Offensive Alert!!! Hilarious....

I know I know you are all going to say, "this is offensive please remove it". I will not remove it, it is friggin hilarious.

ENJOY!!!

The New Audi Owner

I am now an Audi driver.

Before you label me as a pretensious wannabe BMW driver listen to my story. With the mileage of my E36 M3 creeping past 165,000 I needed something bigger and younger to haul my family around in. Frankly the two doors of my little brilliant machine were becoming more of a hindrance these days than the benefit they once were.

My new previously owned S4 gleamed in the sunlight and the leather was still soft and supple. This was all foreign to me but it certainly got my attention. Having come from a simple purpose built car that was well past its comfort prime, I immediately took to the newer wood grained interior with the Recaro bucket seats fit with lumbar support and heating elements.

Turn the key and hear that V8 rumble; the beast is ready to be released. First thing is first, I gotta find my essential tune in order to enjoy the ride. Pop in the CD and listen to the solid sound of the Bose stereo system. Once again coming from the tinny sensation that was the circa 1995 BMW sound system, this sudden burst of tone and bass catches my ear like hearing my favorite band for the first time. Wow, I am thoroughly impressed.

I adjust the (power) seat to fit, and find the mirror switch. Up, down, in and out and just right. Turn signal left and right, clutch in and first gear. As soon as I let out the clutch I instantly know that this is no BMW. With its smooth and even acceleration it is a completely different animal.

In the straight half of a mile before the freeway I am cruisin' in comfort, style and boy is there speed. After having a hard time parting with the M I am suddenly starting to really enjoy my new choice.

Hit the highway and quickly reach 80 mph, rather uneventfully. Suddenly looking down at the speedo I am clocking 100. Holy hell this isn't my M3. 100 in the M meant that you had to endure wind noise and bumps and high revs. This is totally different, it is ... nice. Home and the damn thing takes up almost twice the garage space. Not a bad trade off I suppose.

The next morning I get up for work and for some reason I am excited. I leave early. On the way there is a backup on the freeway so I duck down a side road (it just happens to be one of the windiest roads in Pittsburgh). It's time for the AWD to shine.

With the excitement of a 16 year old boy with his license for the first time I accelerated into the first corner with unabashed enthusiasm. The tires squealed under the stress of the heavy sedan but did not give. “Hmm”, I thought “maybe a little faster in the next second gear right hander.” Attempting to heel toe into the next corner I found (to my dismay) that the gas pedal is set considerably deeper in the pedal box than the brake; leaving me to let the traction control scream at me in agony as the tires chirped around the aggressive corner. I felt like I was just learning how to control a car in the corners. Not since my days in a front wheel drive Honda have I felt so incapable of holding the g forces at bay while attacking the twisty bits. Maybe this isn't the car for me after all.

I guess you take the good with the bad. The M was everything a driver wants in a car and nothing a family man can reasonably use on a daily basis. The S is a nice mix of both with just enough aggressiveness and handling for most men but it lacks the tools to be a real drivers car. As I am still trying to sort out the bugs and the nuances of this car I am finding that the grown up features that it includes are starting to outweigh the performance short comings. With a few tweaks here and there it can become a better drivers car. Maybe then I will appreciate it a little more for what it is; a family mans sports sedan.

I will keep it for now but in the meantime does anyone know where I can pick up a good accelerator pedal extender so I don't put this thing into the ditch next time I try to follow my instincts and drive like I am supposed to?